Stuffy Sunday (part 1)
Many thanks to Loran Skunky for comissioning me on this piece. It was a blast to write, and it's a piece that I'm quite proud of.
It was a normal Sunday at the Sigma Omega house. Everyone was lazing around the place, some watching TV, others sleeping off a hangover, and a precious few toiling in the study room downstairs, making sure the pledges did their time at the study table. Josh and Mike were somewhere in the middle of all this, lazing around on the big chairs in the formal sitting room – the one they kept clean for alumni dinners. Josh was fishing through his bag from the mall. Mike just stared at the ceiling, not sure of what to think.
Finally, Josh found what he was looking for. He pulled a twenty-ounce bottle
out from the bottom of the bag and waved it around, trying to get Mike’s
attention. “Check this out!” he said, “Got it down at the
GNC this morning. It’s a new vitality drink.”
“Vitality drink.” Mike rolled over on his chair and let out a groan. “Sounds like one of those expensive protein shit shakes to me.
“No, this one’s different!” He read from the side label. “’You will become the stuff women love!’–strange, but I like the idea. Must be full of pheromones or something.”
He sneered and wrapped his arms over his eyes. “Or something, definitely. You must be one of those idiots that opens those ‘en1arge your m3mber’ spam mails, huh?”
“But I bought this from a bona fide store,” Josh replied sharply. “You should go to the GNC, Mike. They’ve changed a lot of things around there. It’s edgy and hip now.”
“A weight loss store being edgy.”
“They have a lot of self-improvement drugs now,” Josh explained. “Little things. Memory drugs. Body enhancers. Herbal complexes that’re supposed to make you younger.”
“Whatever. You never get what you ask for when you get that kind of stuff.”
“Oh? Well don’t come begging to me when I’ve got all the Kappa Muu’s draped over my neck! I’m going to be their big daddy.”
“Sure.” Mike sighed. “Just go up to your room and drink the stuff, kay? Leave me in peace. The noise isn’t helping my headache any.”
Josh opened his mouth to reply, but before he could say anything Mike turned away and covered up with a throw pillow. No problem. Josh thundered up the stairs and ducked away into his room, shutting the door behind him. It was just him and the drink.
He had to fiddle a bit to get all the packaging off the top of the bottle – the people at GNC were crazy about putting as many wax lid covers, plastic wraps, and screw-tops as they possibly could onto their products, lately. Josh just thought that meant the new stuff was far more effective. He couldn’t get the top off quickly enough, it seemed; just thinking about what the stuff could do for him made him go mad with curiosity. He imagined himself getting bigger in all the important places, his voice more suave, his demeanor more... persuasive.
With those thoughts on his mind he knocked the drink back in a single drag. It tasted like chalk and old carrots, but that’s to be expected with a health drink – you have to suffer for results, Josh always thought. The liquid felt warm going down, and that feeling lasted long after the stuff had slid down his throat. He sat back in his chair and enjoyed the sensation as it spread from his throat throughout his body, making him feel warm and comfortable.
“The women’ll love me,” he said to himself. He scratched his chest and found that the hair there was already starting to feel a bit softer. So soft, in fact, that he couldn’t help giving it a little petting. His entire chest was starting to feel a bit cushier, he noticed as he let his hand explore the hair. No big deal, he thought; it was just a small side effect.
The warm and cushy feeling spread into his shoulders and arms. Suddenly his hands felt less tense; he relaxed the grip on his chest and let them fall to his sides, where they felt more comfortable than they had ever felt before. “Great stuff!” Josh said, though he lisped a little on the “s” sound.
The more he relaxed, the better he felt Soon the warm and cushy feeling extended into his hips and legs, where he felt his rump grow a bit bigger. Part of the process, he thought. No problem.
That’s about the time he felt his face shifting.
It wasn’t very noticeable, at first. There was a small pressure at the tip of his nose, like someone was pinching the tip and giving it a little pull. When it finally grew out to where it started blocking his vision, though, he started to get concerned. Dainty cheeks extended out from his face to join at his nose, forming a small muzzle. He smiled and the little lump on his face smiled. He frowned and the lump turned back down.
A quick flash later, he felt as if he were covered in fine felt. The outgrowth was now white in color, with a pink tip where the nose should have been. He tried to scream out in surprise but only a faint little giggle came from his lips, the kind of thing he’d expect out of a cutesy plush toy.
Two rabbit ears fell over his face at that moment. They flopped over his eyes with a little “fwoosh” of fur; he tried to blow them out of his eye but they kept falling, covering his eyes. With a groan he took the new ears in his stubby little hands and threw them to either side of his head. It felt so bad to move!
“Mike!” he managed, though his voice was high-pitched and childish. The ears were flopping all around, now, as he shook with fright. His head felt light and airy; what was once a collection of bone and blood was lightening up, replaced by cotton stuffing and stitches. The felt tingled and suddenly he found his vision lined with a halo of white fur, which spread from his head down to the rest of his body.
“Mike! Help me!”
He giggled, and suddenly the fear went away. Instead he found himself marveling at how his body felt, warm and cozy and full of plush stuffing. He poked his belly as it filled out into a teddy-bear ponch, and the fur gave way to his touch. It tickled the tiniest bit to be poked that way.
Suddenly his fingers were melding together; stitches turned his hand to a bulky rabbit paw, covered in white fur and pink paw pads. He leaned out of his chair and tested the paw on the ground; a small pocket of beads sloshed around in the front of his new hand-paw, feeling heavy and secure. He tried his best to sit on all fours, like a rabbit, but he just couldn’t sit right.
“Josh!” Mike screamed as he pounded on the door. “Everything okay in there, Josh?”
Josh didn’t answer. Instead, he just let out a little giggle as his legs started to make concessions for the new form. His once-skinny legs were now full and wide, just like a rabbit’s. Clean white fur traced down his thighs and into his feet; when they reached his toes he felt his foot growing and growing. Soon enough he had oversized, floppy, bean-stuffed bunny feet with pink paw-pads, just like the foot-pads. Satisfied, he sat down on the floor, bunny-style, happy to be in the form.
“Josh! Don’t be playing kids games with me. I don’t like it when you dick around.”
As he sat in his bunny way, a cottontail poofed out of his backside. The puffy fur tickled on his new appendage, making him giggle all over again. He wiggled the new tail around a few times before settling down, happy and content.
“That’s it! I’m coming in.” Mike threw the door open and stopped dead in his tracks. There, sitting on the floor in front of Josh’s chair, was a three-foot white rabbit doll, lively as can be, looking right up at him. They shared a moment of absolute stillness before the rabbit took a tentative hop toward his friend, a big goofy smile on his face.
Josh tipped his lop ears to his friend, now a full two feet taller than he
was, and held his head in soft, plush paws. Then, with a giggle, he said,
“See? I told you this stuff would get me chicks! What girl wouldn’t
want to sleep with a cute bunny plushie?”